I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
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JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*