If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
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How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
🤣🤣
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..