I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
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Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
But wait…
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.