i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
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Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.