I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
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This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.