I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
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Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me