@MandiAtRandom: I feel like something is missing from my life and I don't know if it's a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
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@UNTRESOR: I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
@TheToddWilliams: Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they're storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It's a lot funnier when they say it.
@hippieswordfish: 'sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.' what, am i supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?