I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
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Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
*serious situation*
My brain:
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.