@babyitsmb: I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
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@GashleyMadison: I love playing catch with my dogs when I'm drunk, because I don't have dogs when I'm sober.
@KissabiX: [helping my only child do homework] 5: can you help? Me: I’m awful with numbers 8: pleeeeeeeease
@djdavemichaels: Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
@Derrick_Snyder: Twitter: What do our users want? Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse. Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!