I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
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Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️