@babyitsmb: I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
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@jctwritesstuff: [First Date] Me: So this has been great. *moves in for a kiss* Me: Jesus, a little handsy there. Octopus: I can't... I can't help it.
@HeyZeus666: I've been eating sunflower seeds and Tweeting for 9 hours. Now I know what my canary feels like.
@SmartassChef: If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
@lisaxy424: [before nap] I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep! [after nap] well now it’s way too late to do anything