I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
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Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.