I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
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[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.