I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
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It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.