I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
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Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Google assistant rules
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Worth the read.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
not to brag, but mine was free
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself