@bourgeoisalien: I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
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@TheBoydP: "If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~My son apparently
@torrami: Dragons aren't evil; they're just upset that they can't enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
@AndyAsAdjective: HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble ME: that's ridictacular
@KimmyMonte: {commercial for Hallmark} This Valentine's Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
@Sickayduh: [Touring Italy] Guide: Bathroom anyone? Me: I peed at the Tower of Pizza Guide: That's Pisa Me: Sorry. I took a pisa at the Tower of Pizza
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