@bourgeoisalien: I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
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@emptydahl: Sometimes I wonder about those old mattresses in the alleys, the stories they could tell. The ones about me are lies of course.
@GoldenSpirals: My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over, and now I'm frantically looking for a new place to live.
@MartaEffing: I hate when I catch a bouquet at a wedding and everyone judges me for lighting it on fire.
@simoncholland: A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He's almost finished.