@bourgeoisalien: I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
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@BeCoco77: He told me he was my daddy during sex. Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and asked him to pay off my student loans.
@PhoenixRises69: iPhone 5s fitted with fingerprint recognition. I'll sleep easier knowing that if my phone gets stolen, they'll likely chop off my hand too.
@PFTompkins: Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, 'member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
@RobElliottComic: So everyone knows, it's frowned upon to yell "Hot potato" when someone hands you a baby and toss it back to them