@bourgeoisalien: I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
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@therichards5: Scrolls Twitter *throws phone in holy water
@truegritrumble: I've been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
@WheelTod: Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm gay.
@jonnysun: crime tip: secretley grease a cop's butt befor a car chase so when he slides acros the hood he'll slip off & keep on slidimg down the street
@weenbeans: *barber hands me the mirror to check the back* "Looks good!" I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
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