I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
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[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Sheep
Is fructose made with real fruct?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.