I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
You Might Also Like
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Bike is short for Bichael.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult