@jlock17: I FEEL SO ALIVE MCDONALD'S IS GIVING AWAY FREE COFFEE I PASSED 20 MCDONALD'S TODAY DO THE MATH TOO LATE I DID THE MATH SLEEP IS FOR MORTALS
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@KeetPotato: cop: "you kinda look like one that's all" me: "in no way am i a pirate" cop: "hmm, are you sure?" parrot on my shoulder: "did he stutter?"
@rockymomax: [having sex] HER: talk dirty to me ME: I've been wearing the same underwear for weeks HER: no, I mean- ME: I drink my own bath water
@flashember: *wakes up in the belly of a whale* me: this can't be happening again morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again