My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
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In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I have two kinds of followers
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.