I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
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squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.