I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
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A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken