Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
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her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.