Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
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Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.