I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
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Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.