My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
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Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it