me when i see my girls butt
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“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”