Nice try, NASA
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Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.