Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
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I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us