Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
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Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Check your privilege
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.