I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
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My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”