@Bredwh: I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
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@causticbob: Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street. Drunk people still think there's a sniper somewhere.
@sammyrhodes: I love donuts so much I want to marry them. But then I'm afraid I would eat all our donut hole children.
@KalvinMacleod: INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength? ME: I’m good at untying knots INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?