I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
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Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Hit me in the face with a bird
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Lmfaoooooo
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.