A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
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*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.