I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
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My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
How did we not see this back then?
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?