I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
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Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
bugs when you lift up a rock
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight