I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
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Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares