I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
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I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
2022 be like
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once