I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
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Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.