I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
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Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
an octopus is just a wet spider
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…