“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
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tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
😂 amazing answer
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.