“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
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you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
why I oughta
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s