The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
You Might Also Like
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
just witnessed a drug deal
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Nice try, poison.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.