@santhonythomas: I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They're gods way of making us slap ourselves.
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@buhsbaby_baby: Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
@MatCro: [presentation] GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that's our plan for the next year. Any questions? ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
@ddsmidt: People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog's invisible fence.