@santhonythomas: I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They're gods way of making us slap ourselves.
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@Maxine12339: Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
@DaddyJew: Sneaking up on me from behind while I'm doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife
@markleggett: You can eat up to three spiders every night in your sleep, except on "cheat days" when you can eat as many as you like.
@fabulouscop: *man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school* *teacher walks towards man* "are you expecting a child?" "no thats from all the beer"