@santhonythomas: I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They're gods way of making us slap ourselves.
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@Vodkantots: Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma'am? Me: No, I'm just dizzy b/c I'm having a heavy flow day. It's really clotty and... Cop: You're free to go.
@LisaFarted: So I'm trying to get my husband to go to Paris with me but so far my best argument has been, "I will kill you in your sleep."
@sofarrsogud: ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already. MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
@Prof_BrianCocks: "14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope." "You mean Collider?" "Oh shit!"