I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
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I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge