*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
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*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Every. Damn. Time.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.