I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
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*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
This meal prepping shit easy
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*