I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
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I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
A dad and his duck
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.