I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
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Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?