I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
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tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.