I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
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Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.