Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
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And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
what is cheese if not milk persevering
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.