Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
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I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Livid.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?