Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
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Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.