[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
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Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
fly smarter, not harder
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her: