It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
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Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.